Because … what if it’s really serious?

Some days, I think it might really be.  Serious.
Other days, I think I’m fine.  But on the days I’m not fine, I worry that it might be serious.
What if it is?
What if the fact that I can’t think clearly is really an issue?  That I can’t focus? That I know my brain is not working up to par?
What if the fact that I can’t do things like run to catch a door means something is really wrong?
What if being on 1450 calories a day – carefully counted – and continuing to put on pounds means something is really, truly wrong?

So the doc says… move more, eat less.  More grains, less fat. More turkey, less beef.  Of course he does.
The doc says, your hormones are fine, you just need more exercise.
The doc says, yes of course your joints hurt, you’re over 50 and overweight.  Loose some weight and that will stop. Take some advil.
He says, your blood sugar is a little high, and your blood pressure is too – here’s the food pyramid, eat that.
The doc says, here are 4 drugs for your blood pressure, I know you said that you don’t function well on them, but the alternative is worse.

So someone holds a door for me and I say to my body … Trot up there and grab the door! … and my body won’t. Will Not. Doesn’t. It would hurt.

So I eat my “more whole grains” in a nice hearty slice of whole wheat toast… and in 5 minutes the heartburn is just killing me.

So some days my heart is skipping beats, or racing at 70% over normal and won’t slow down.  THAT’S gotta be serious, right? So I take myself down to the doc, and he says… yeah, not skipping exactly, but getting out-of-timing. Not working according to the normal Lub-Dub-Pause-Lub-Dub-Pause plan.
What I’m feeling is more like Lub-DubLub-LongPause-Dub-Pause… YIKES! Now that’s SURELY serious… but it gets a shrug from the doc. Nothing that’s too big a deal… and the high pulse rate? Yeah, not a big issue.  MIGHT mean that I’m working up to an arrhythmia problem in the future, but right now? Meh.

Still, I’m kinda freaked about it, so he sends me to the ER and they put me on the cardiac monitor… their diagnosis? You’re not dying. Meh.

But I’m not living either.  Something is wrong.

Their answer? Nothing to do.

And what about 60 extra pounds in 4 years? Yeah, move more eat less.  More chicken, less beef.  That it’s not working? That gets a shrug too.
Keep at it. Try harder.
Calories In < Calories Out.
You’re an Engineer, do the math.

Move more, eat less. Here’s the food pyramid.

But it hurts.  Everything does.
Moving hurts. Eating hurts. Thinking hurts.

Life is not supposed to hurt.

Well ok, most of my life I have hurt – knees, back, migraines, anxiety, fear… all of that going back to at least grade school.  I’ve had maybe two dozen days since I was 12 where Nothing Hurt. But still… not like this, where it keeps me from doing basic things.

Maybe it IS serious.  Something has to change, there has to be a way to turn this around.

I have a choice – Sit Down and Die – or – Fix This.

I’m choosing Fix This.

If it’s helpful to you, I hope you’ll come along.

~ Zee


you can read about my journey here: